Hello, Blog and all...
It's been a long time, and I wonder how folks who are bloggers extraordinaire do it. I guess I could almost thoughtlessly throw up a post every day, you know, about something random. Which perhaps is a good idea, because then you can springboard off it for a meatier, more thoughtful post, which could be added later.
Or I could write Dick-and-Jane style sentences, to make it easy.
(Not to diss anyone, but one blogger I stop to look at all the time really honestly writes that way, and he's got a huge readership. I don't get it, and I must really let it go if it bugs me so much. I guess it's a weird curiosity about his life and why people read it if to me it's spirituality and vanity all rolled up. Seriously. Stuff goes like:
I like pie (or Macs, or XBand, or my kid).
Pie (or Macs, or XBand, or my kid) is good.
I am blessed because I have pie (or Macs, or XBand's cd, or my kid).
And then add some hip video.)
ANYWAY.
To get back on track here. I've been missing in action....
Work has been nuts--very busy, and I've been feeling even more pressure to perform lately, like I'm under a microscope, and that I need to defend my existence. I stay until very late, I have no life. And I know I use it as a means to hide from other difficulties in my life. I find myself overwhelmed with extended family concerns. I avoid their phone calls. (I've always been a sort of Go-To Girl for when something's wrong. The Single Sister who's got her head on right.) And situations, while not the best, loom even larger in my head because I've got no sounding board. I do cry out (literally) to the Lord, and I do know, in my head, that He's got it in control--that nothing escapes Him, and that yes, He is my Husband as is mentioned in Isaiah.
But in my heart, I am troubled and afraid and lonely and just so scared! How I wish there was someone who can reassure me and help me see things from different perspectives, and just bear the load with me.
I did share some troubling news via email with one family member yesterday, and then talked by phone with them today. And that little bit helped me somewhat, it did. They were able to talk about it with their spouse, and then talk with me, fortified with perspective from their partner. While I don't necessarily agree with the plan of action (or inaction), I heard another point of view, and felt a bit of the burden eased.
But then it's me alone, rambling about in my house, praying/worrying. It's just hard, this alone thing. It's one of the most difficult things in being single--not having someone to hear your concerns, to help bear the load, to ease your troubled mind with another viewpoint. To keep keep problems from growing, GROWING, looming so dark and difficult in your head. To help keep those "What ifs" at bay.
I know that even the best of marriages suffer from inattentiveness and communication difficulties. I know this. And how awful it must be to be married to someone who hasn't got time for you or care about your concerns.
But I tell you, being alone with troubles, not having someone who knows the peculiarities of your life and family and can at least shoot an arrow at the situation with you or for you... this is very... I don't know... sad, I guess. Humans survive on community for a reason, I suppose. I suppose I should seek someone out, to share and pray with. But it's a scary proposition. I get messy (ie, teary & snotty :-) ) early on. And I hate to come across as needy. But I have to tell you, I am so in need.
Well, maybe a "Dick-and-Jane" story tomorrow, folks! Blessings to you.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
Guess there ARE others like me in the Bay Area...
Mirror, mirror on the wall...will I never be a mommy at all?
By Jessica Yadegaran, STAFF WRITER
Inside Bay Area
http://www.insidebayarea.com/bayarealiving/ci_7117081
JULIE ARCHIBALD loves kids. A youthful and lively 33-year-old, she is godmother to a 7-year-old and a 10-year-old and pseudo-aunt to two toddlers. In June, the Oakland shoe buyer visited a psychic who told her she is going to have twins. Archibald, who has been in a relationship for four years, is ready to be a mother. Her partner, she says, is not.
"I'm at the perfect age for it, but it might not happen," she explains.
While Archibald knows she has time, she says she won't be distraught if she never has children.
"I want it because I'm a maternal person and would like to raise a child," she says. "But I'm so happy and fulfilled already inside."
Archibald is in a good place. But others in her situation struggle.
Blame it on the marriage delay, divorce or the increase of women in the work force, but 27 percent of those 30 to 34 and 19 percent of those 35 to 39 are childless, compared to 15.6 percent and 10.5 percent in 1976, respectively, according to the 2004 U.S. Census.
Still, many of these women grew up with a "white picket fence" scenario that involved a man, a house and kids. For whatever reason, their lives took a different path, and now they're faced with the tick of their biological clocks.
Although it's a choice to remain childless for some women, others yearn for kids and feel out of sync with their friends who have families.
Despite their own happy, fulfilling lives, the women are trying to cope with the reality that life may go on, without kids. Experts say it's important to address and grieve this as a loss, but few women do.
"Grief in its simplest form is unresolved emotion," says Bobby Rodriguez-Havens, executive director of the nonprofit Open Path, formerly Resolve. Open Path offers grief counseling to women who, as Rodriguez-Havens explains, lined up their ducks expecting a child to be automatic, and it didn't turn out that way.
"They question, 'Why haven't I met anyone? Should I have not gone for the MBA? Should I have married that guy in college?,'" she says. "When you don't deal with these emotions you end up replaying the grief in your life in different ways."
Lauren Edwards of San Lean-
dro deals with her grief. A successful corporate writing coach, Edwards never wanted children, at least not in her 20s. So, at 22, she met and married a man who shared the sentiment. At 31, things began to change.
Edwards' biological clock went off, she says, and every lovely sunset made her yearn for the experience of sharing its beauty with a baby.
The phase ended, however. And six years ago, so did Edwards' marriage. Now, at 46, she says she has healed from the divorce, but the memories of pain and sadness are reminders of her decision:
"At the time of the divorce, I felt that choice had been robbed from me. Had I been married to someone else at 31, I'd probably have a child now. And I'd never guessed I'd feel so alone."
Edwards copes by volunteering Fridays at an elementary school in Oakland. She works with third-graders who fill her up, she says. It's her favorite day of the week.
"I'd volunteered in the past, and knew I'd do it again, but when I reflect back on my thinking at 21 and 32, I'm struck by the impossibility of foreseeing that I would need these third-graders a whole lot more than they needed me,"
Edwards says.
In her Berkeley practice, psychologist Judith Beemer says she sees many women who reach the end of their reproductive cycles and become depressed, realizing they are the end of their family line. But if they begin coping with the possibility and the grief earlier, depression is less likely, she says.
"You have to be fairly psychologically sophisticated to be doing the work in your 30s, but it happens," Beemer says.
Judy Levitt, a Montclair marriage and family therapist, begins by exploring why a client yearns for a child, including expectations, family history of motherhood and what the woman thinks will happen if she does not bear children. At the end of the exploration, Levitt says, she might realize she's perfectly happy the way things are:
"Today, women of childbearing age have so many more opportunities. They have permission to be so autonomous that they could feel conflicted between living this fulfilling life and also feeling the pull of nature as they see time passing."
Levitt's approach also mimics grief counseling, from acknowledging and experiencing the loss to meditating on it and eventually letting it go.
"Being in therapy is good because someone is sitting with you bearing witness to your process and helping you to the next step," she says. "The idea is to let go of expectations and dreams and embrace new dreams and plans."
For Teena Massingill, it was about embracing a lifelong decision, and doing it alone.
The 41-year-old public relations manager always planned to adopt a child. In her mid-30s, a job brought her from Ohio to California, and she assumed that, from there, everything else would fall into place.
"A lot of it has," Massingill says. "But I never found the right partner for me. So I was completely resolved that all the things I wanted in my life I was going to have even in the absence of something else."
Massingill still wanted to travel, own her own home and have a family, whether she gave birth to the child or adopted. So she bought the home in Concord and traveled to Italy and Hawaii with friends.
"I'm so glad I didn't wait for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet and take me to those places," she says. "I think if Mr. Right eventually finds me or I find him, I'll be a more interesting and happy person because I'm enjoying
my life."
The biggest enjoyment — the light of her life, Massingill says — is the 14-month-old she's been fostering since April. She expects the adoption to be final next year, and says she reached a point when she realized, traditional path or not, she was going to be a mother.
"Marriage is one aspect of a fulfilling life and there are many many others," Massingill says. "When you are busy enjoying life, you don't have time to be sad over what isn't there."
By Jessica Yadegaran, STAFF WRITER
Inside Bay Area
http://www.insidebayarea.com/bayarealiving/ci_7117081
JULIE ARCHIBALD loves kids. A youthful and lively 33-year-old, she is godmother to a 7-year-old and a 10-year-old and pseudo-aunt to two toddlers. In June, the Oakland shoe buyer visited a psychic who told her she is going to have twins. Archibald, who has been in a relationship for four years, is ready to be a mother. Her partner, she says, is not.
"I'm at the perfect age for it, but it might not happen," she explains.
While Archibald knows she has time, she says she won't be distraught if she never has children.
"I want it because I'm a maternal person and would like to raise a child," she says. "But I'm so happy and fulfilled already inside."
Archibald is in a good place. But others in her situation struggle.
Blame it on the marriage delay, divorce or the increase of women in the work force, but 27 percent of those 30 to 34 and 19 percent of those 35 to 39 are childless, compared to 15.6 percent and 10.5 percent in 1976, respectively, according to the 2004 U.S. Census.
Still, many of these women grew up with a "white picket fence" scenario that involved a man, a house and kids. For whatever reason, their lives took a different path, and now they're faced with the tick of their biological clocks.
Although it's a choice to remain childless for some women, others yearn for kids and feel out of sync with their friends who have families.
Despite their own happy, fulfilling lives, the women are trying to cope with the reality that life may go on, without kids. Experts say it's important to address and grieve this as a loss, but few women do.
"Grief in its simplest form is unresolved emotion," says Bobby Rodriguez-Havens, executive director of the nonprofit Open Path, formerly Resolve. Open Path offers grief counseling to women who, as Rodriguez-Havens explains, lined up their ducks expecting a child to be automatic, and it didn't turn out that way.
"They question, 'Why haven't I met anyone? Should I have not gone for the MBA? Should I have married that guy in college?,'" she says. "When you don't deal with these emotions you end up replaying the grief in your life in different ways."
Lauren Edwards of San Lean-
dro deals with her grief. A successful corporate writing coach, Edwards never wanted children, at least not in her 20s. So, at 22, she met and married a man who shared the sentiment. At 31, things began to change.
Edwards' biological clock went off, she says, and every lovely sunset made her yearn for the experience of sharing its beauty with a baby.
The phase ended, however. And six years ago, so did Edwards' marriage. Now, at 46, she says she has healed from the divorce, but the memories of pain and sadness are reminders of her decision:
"At the time of the divorce, I felt that choice had been robbed from me. Had I been married to someone else at 31, I'd probably have a child now. And I'd never guessed I'd feel so alone."
Edwards copes by volunteering Fridays at an elementary school in Oakland. She works with third-graders who fill her up, she says. It's her favorite day of the week.
"I'd volunteered in the past, and knew I'd do it again, but when I reflect back on my thinking at 21 and 32, I'm struck by the impossibility of foreseeing that I would need these third-graders a whole lot more than they needed me,"
Edwards says.
In her Berkeley practice, psychologist Judith Beemer says she sees many women who reach the end of their reproductive cycles and become depressed, realizing they are the end of their family line. But if they begin coping with the possibility and the grief earlier, depression is less likely, she says.
"You have to be fairly psychologically sophisticated to be doing the work in your 30s, but it happens," Beemer says.
Judy Levitt, a Montclair marriage and family therapist, begins by exploring why a client yearns for a child, including expectations, family history of motherhood and what the woman thinks will happen if she does not bear children. At the end of the exploration, Levitt says, she might realize she's perfectly happy the way things are:
"Today, women of childbearing age have so many more opportunities. They have permission to be so autonomous that they could feel conflicted between living this fulfilling life and also feeling the pull of nature as they see time passing."
Levitt's approach also mimics grief counseling, from acknowledging and experiencing the loss to meditating on it and eventually letting it go.
"Being in therapy is good because someone is sitting with you bearing witness to your process and helping you to the next step," she says. "The idea is to let go of expectations and dreams and embrace new dreams and plans."
For Teena Massingill, it was about embracing a lifelong decision, and doing it alone.
The 41-year-old public relations manager always planned to adopt a child. In her mid-30s, a job brought her from Ohio to California, and she assumed that, from there, everything else would fall into place.
"A lot of it has," Massingill says. "But I never found the right partner for me. So I was completely resolved that all the things I wanted in my life I was going to have even in the absence of something else."
Massingill still wanted to travel, own her own home and have a family, whether she gave birth to the child or adopted. So she bought the home in Concord and traveled to Italy and Hawaii with friends.
"I'm so glad I didn't wait for Mr. Right to come along and sweep me off my feet and take me to those places," she says. "I think if Mr. Right eventually finds me or I find him, I'll be a more interesting and happy person because I'm enjoying
my life."
The biggest enjoyment — the light of her life, Massingill says — is the 14-month-old she's been fostering since April. She expects the adoption to be final next year, and says she reached a point when she realized, traditional path or not, she was going to be a mother.
"Marriage is one aspect of a fulfilling life and there are many many others," Massingill says. "When you are busy enjoying life, you don't have time to be sad over what isn't there."
Grandparents
A post at the lovely blog My Messy, Thrilling Life made me reminisce about my own grandparents.
Grandparents are something else, huh. Precious, distant, funny, frustrating. Living 2000 miles away from mine, I would hope for kisses and warm hugs...to be to them that joy and spark in their eyes on those sporatic few times we could be together. But, though they were (and Grandma still is) good, I mostly got--and get--germanic stoicism and sizing-up. Ouch. Still hurts.
I know they loved me, but even as a child, I felt judgement more than I was a source of joy for them.
I am sure some of it is my perception. And there were times when they expressed humor and love (I recently found a humorous handwritten thin note--a valentine!--from my grandpa when I was about 4. Grandma jotted her "I love you!" too on it.) But I'll never forget my sweet grandpa's nose, scrunched up in disgust when he thought I wasn't looking, giving my chubby preadolescent frame a once over. I nearly died in shame. I had worked so hard to be cute for their arrival. My hair done just so, and such thought was given to my outfit.
And now that it's just grandma alive, on those few occasions I see her, I feel like I have to come with a list of accomplishments at the ready, to tic off the feats (fetes? should look up the definition) of my life, to measure up.
I don't have kids, but the sad thing is that I observe how my parents struggle with the same tendency to be judgemental of their grandchildren... and how they treat some of their grandchildren differently. While my parents LOVE, love, love their grandchildren, and I feel we (my siblings, their families, my parents, me) are closer than my parents' families were/are, some of my nieces and nephews most needing grace and love and warmth and for you to be interested in them, don't necessarily get it from my parents.
I try to talk to my parents about it--one parent in particular--but somehow the old ways remain, and in some way they think they are doing them a favor in offering criticism and lecture. Or that these interactions with them are better than nothing at all.
It simply breaks my heart.
I guess just a reminder to grandparents out there: You really can have a profound influence on the lives of your grandchildren! Be you near or far from them!
Grandparents are something else, huh. Precious, distant, funny, frustrating. Living 2000 miles away from mine, I would hope for kisses and warm hugs...to be to them that joy and spark in their eyes on those sporatic few times we could be together. But, though they were (and Grandma still is) good, I mostly got--and get--germanic stoicism and sizing-up. Ouch. Still hurts.
I know they loved me, but even as a child, I felt judgement more than I was a source of joy for them.
I am sure some of it is my perception. And there were times when they expressed humor and love (I recently found a humorous handwritten thin note--a valentine!--from my grandpa when I was about 4. Grandma jotted her "I love you!" too on it.) But I'll never forget my sweet grandpa's nose, scrunched up in disgust when he thought I wasn't looking, giving my chubby preadolescent frame a once over. I nearly died in shame. I had worked so hard to be cute for their arrival. My hair done just so, and such thought was given to my outfit.
And now that it's just grandma alive, on those few occasions I see her, I feel like I have to come with a list of accomplishments at the ready, to tic off the feats (fetes? should look up the definition) of my life, to measure up.
I don't have kids, but the sad thing is that I observe how my parents struggle with the same tendency to be judgemental of their grandchildren... and how they treat some of their grandchildren differently. While my parents LOVE, love, love their grandchildren, and I feel we (my siblings, their families, my parents, me) are closer than my parents' families were/are, some of my nieces and nephews most needing grace and love and warmth and for you to be interested in them, don't necessarily get it from my parents.
I try to talk to my parents about it--one parent in particular--but somehow the old ways remain, and in some way they think they are doing them a favor in offering criticism and lecture. Or that these interactions with them are better than nothing at all.
It simply breaks my heart.
I guess just a reminder to grandparents out there: You really can have a profound influence on the lives of your grandchildren! Be you near or far from them!
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Waiting on God. . .
Paul Tripp on Psalm 27: “Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.”
"Waiting on God isn't about the suspension of meaning and purpose. It's part of the meaning and purpose that God has brought into my life. Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in the way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands."
Monday, September 17, 2007
Anchored in Hope? Time for a check-up.
Recently, I conversed casually with a few friends. They were talking about the different phases they were in their lives, and that they were actually excited about what was before them. (Excited? What the heck?!) One, nearing the big 5-0 was ecstatic that she finally had the house to herself and her husband, now that their adult children had moved on. The other, a mom of small kids, is excited about a new job and ministry. And I can't find much to be excited about in my life. The big "L" on my forehead--noticeable much?
They talked about how the years ahead are going to be Wonderful! Exciting!My mind races... My frame of reference is my singleness. Right now, that honestly equals loneliness. No intimate companionship. That is what is front and center in my viewpoint. And though that fact may change, when you're in the thick of it--heck, it's the way it's always been!, it's so hard to see how it ever WILL change. I think how I don't have children to care for now, or who will care for me when I'm really old. So when I blurted out something, and I can't remember my exact words (sign of age? heh), my younger of the 2 friends tried to encourage me by saying that these years ahead for me would be like golden years!
Scoffing, I said, "Golden! I haven't even had a springtime!"
We were laughing although she felt bad and I understood what she basically meant.
I feel jipped though, about life in general. Regret. But what would I really have done different? Maybe not too much. Which makes me think, my life was really supposed to suck then?
My sweet friend sent me an email to follow up:
They talked about how the years ahead are going to be Wonderful! Exciting!
Scoffing, I said, "Golden! I haven't even had a springtime!"
We were laughing although she felt bad and I understood what she basically meant.
I feel jipped though, about life in general. Regret. But what would I really have done different? Maybe not too much. Which makes me think, my life was really supposed to suck then?
My sweet friend sent me an email to follow up:
I was praying for you today. Not trying to be weird or condescending, but I believe that as you pray, you need to start letting "hope be the anchor to your soul" again. Anyhoo... I think as you begin to pray, "that girl", that God is saying to begin praying prayers like: "thank you Lord that you are about to do something in my life that I have always longed for", or "thank you Lord that I am going to have the best year ever and that as I delight in you, you WILL give me the desires of my heart". Does that sound cheesy? I believe it to be true for you. I want you to be encouraged. Remember that "faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see". There's more for you, I felt it today as I was praying for you and lifting you up. There are entire chapters, the best chapters of your book...yet to be written and you must begin to believe that God will do it. Begin speaking it out. You're an overcomer. I speak that to myself. I feel like a Jacob this year, wrestling with God in my stubbornness. I know he's going to change my name too!
Just wanted to drop you a line to encourage you today. You are on God's heart.
I am on God's heart. Sigh. Even when I think I'm a loser...!
So the past few days I’ve been looping David Crowder’s Obsession:
What can I do with my obsession? With the things I cannot see? There’s a madness in my being….
Sometimes You’re further than the moon, sometimes You’re closer than my skin... You know I’m stubborn, Lord, but I’m longing to be close; You burn me deeper than I know. And I feel lonely without hope, I feel desperate without vision; You wrap around me like a winter coat, You come and free me like a bird… And my heart burns for You. My love for You. My heart for You. My life for You, all I have for You.
I’m so there. My faith and hope mountains are such little blips on the monitor, while the “lonely without hope/desperate without vision” valleys are the long, drawn out, almost endless lines. But my heart does burn for Him! However, most everything seems so unsatisfactory, and I want to be freed like that bird. A higher perspective! I pray for a name change along with you! Lord, I believe… I beg you to help my unbelief!
The hard part for me is tying belief/confession to things that maybe God doesn’t have for me…and it’s so hard – why be perpetually and deeply in disappointment? At times, I feel overwhelmed in grief. I don’t know, maybe I need for hope for more generic things. Vicious cycle! :-/
But I know, I do know!, that He is good, gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy, and I throw my soul upon that. I must assign this knowledge to my heart, and to my ole mouth!
It's time for a heart check-up. If I believe Him to be good, then He must be good to me.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
The Irony was Not Lost on Me
Today came the unexpected joyful news that my sister had her baby--quite a bit early, but healthy and happy. Boy, aren't there some wonderful emotions when a new baby enters into the world, into your life! And when the picture of baby's sweet face, precious lips, kissy cheeks popped up on my computer screen, my heart melts and aches.
I've had to come to terms with the fact that they planned to name the little one the very name I've loved and dreamed about naming my own desired little one, since my early high school days. And this fact wasn't a secret. Anyone who's close to me knows I wanted a little one named this. But she never talked with me about it--not that I wanted her "permission" to use the name, surely I know I don't own it and I am perfectly aware of my ever-single, not close to dating or mating-status, but it was never said... "we really love this name... how are you feeling about that?"
But she got there first. A little more of the dream dying. Or, as Elisabeth Elliot might say, another chance to offer my dreams--be they broken, dusty, or even forgotten--as a sacrifice of worship to God.
The irony? I got my monthly reminder today. (Probably falls into the T.M.I. category!) A definitive reminder that there is no baby here! (Not that I would have expected there to be one, but hopefully you get my point.)
However, I guess it could serve as a last gasp of hope too--that the possibility, as totally remote as that is, yet remains. But time is just about up.
Hmm. Reminded of the scripture, My times are in His hands. My humanity wants to pout and say, "That's nice, but it still sucks to not have my heart's desire!!" I always wonder if it's because God knew I would totally screw up a kid's life, or something equally as dramatic, that He has kept marriage and family out of the picture for me. I don't know! It seems like I would have been a really good mom.
I've had to come to terms with the fact that they planned to name the little one the very name I've loved and dreamed about naming my own desired little one, since my early high school days. And this fact wasn't a secret. Anyone who's close to me knows I wanted a little one named this. But she never talked with me about it--not that I wanted her "permission" to use the name, surely I know I don't own it and I am perfectly aware of my ever-single, not close to dating or mating-status, but it was never said... "we really love this name... how are you feeling about that?"
But she got there first. A little more of the dream dying. Or, as Elisabeth Elliot might say, another chance to offer my dreams--be they broken, dusty, or even forgotten--as a sacrifice of worship to God.
The irony? I got my monthly reminder today. (Probably falls into the T.M.I. category!) A definitive reminder that there is no baby here! (Not that I would have expected there to be one, but hopefully you get my point.)
However, I guess it could serve as a last gasp of hope too--that the possibility, as totally remote as that is, yet remains. But time is just about up.
Hmm. Reminded of the scripture, My times are in His hands. My humanity wants to pout and say, "That's nice, but it still sucks to not have my heart's desire!!" I always wonder if it's because God knew I would totally screw up a kid's life, or something equally as dramatic, that He has kept marriage and family out of the picture for me. I don't know! It seems like I would have been a really good mom.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Another one bites the dust!
Here we go on another adventure in blogosphere! There's a tendency to have blogorreah and be self absorbed, in my ever so humble opinion, in certain blogs. Of course that will not be the case with me, as one might tell in my blog description.
No, this will be all about you and what I think of you! mwah-ha-ha.
Okay. So I have another birthday coming up, and this makes me sad. I just got home from a family reunion "vacation" (in quotes, because really, when is a family reunion ever really a vacation?). I went into my week away dreading it, how I feel soooo like the odd-gal out having no kids, never been married, never anything in that department, and here I have to be with my sisters and all their adorable kids, my cousins and all of their adorable kids, and my grandma and aunts and uncles... and I've passed the age where you even get asked anymore about "anyone special in your life?" and so on. Which I think is quite possibly worse that even being asked those invasive questions, because they now know that you really are an old maid, just as you have feared.
Anyway, the "vacation." It actually wasn't so bad. Maybe because a couple of folks who knew I was feeling loser-ish and vulnerable were praying for me. So while it wasn't laying on the beach sipping umbrella drinks with "someone special," or even a girlfriend or two, it wasn't too bad. And I actually have that lackadaisical, going-through-the-motions feeling here at work, because while I had reservations about a family reunion vacation, actually being at work kinds sucks lemons.
~ ~ ~
I'm pretty much a sucker for making my heart ache even more, because I'm addicted to mothering/wonderful married life blogs. :-) It's not all that bad, I guess. I make myself think I am simply increasing my value to any future suitors. And I can spout off child-rearing tips with the lightning speed of Dr. Dobson or recommend Sacred Parenting and Shepherding a Child's Heart, because I infact have these books. Of course I have to ignore the confused stares of mothers with children in tow, because they actually know this womb in particular has not been fruitful or multiplied. I then smile vaguely and pick imaginary lint from my sleeve as meander away.
Anyway, I have come across a blog in which they are giving away a freebie! Nellie, hold the presses! It is from a Mom blog. And it's something kinda cool too. Not that the scrapbook cutter thingy wasn't that Sally won. It's actually a flat screen TV! Yeeeesssssssss! Because I am a single woman, no dependents, I do have time to watch TV! Lots and lots of free ME-time! Take that, married parent suckas! (Oh, do I ever crack myself up. Because I actually am being quite sarcastic. I just have more TV time than you might have. heh. I just roll like that.)
If you want more info, about the contest, here you are: http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest/trackback/
You can find info about the above TV here: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8274672&type=product&id=1171058029049
Anyway, here's to a happy life, lived for Jesus. Kids, husband...or no.
No, this will be all about you and what I think of you! mwah-ha-ha.
Okay. So I have another birthday coming up, and this makes me sad. I just got home from a family reunion "vacation" (in quotes, because really, when is a family reunion ever really a vacation?). I went into my week away dreading it, how I feel soooo like the odd-gal out having no kids, never been married, never anything in that department, and here I have to be with my sisters and all their adorable kids, my cousins and all of their adorable kids, and my grandma and aunts and uncles... and I've passed the age where you even get asked anymore about "anyone special in your life?" and so on. Which I think is quite possibly worse that even being asked those invasive questions, because they now know that you really are an old maid, just as you have feared.
Anyway, the "vacation." It actually wasn't so bad. Maybe because a couple of folks who knew I was feeling loser-ish and vulnerable were praying for me. So while it wasn't laying on the beach sipping umbrella drinks with "someone special," or even a girlfriend or two, it wasn't too bad. And I actually have that lackadaisical, going-through-the-motions feeling here at work, because while I had reservations about a family reunion vacation, actually being at work kinds sucks lemons.
~ ~ ~
I'm pretty much a sucker for making my heart ache even more, because I'm addicted to mothering/wonderful married life blogs. :-) It's not all that bad, I guess. I make myself think I am simply increasing my value to any future suitors. And I can spout off child-rearing tips with the lightning speed of Dr. Dobson or recommend Sacred Parenting and Shepherding a Child's Heart, because I infact have these books. Of course I have to ignore the confused stares of mothers with children in tow, because they actually know this womb in particular has not been fruitful or multiplied. I then smile vaguely and pick imaginary lint from my sleeve as meander away.
Anyway, I have come across a blog in which they are giving away a freebie! Nellie, hold the presses! It is from a Mom blog. And it's something kinda cool too. Not that the scrapbook cutter thingy wasn't that Sally won. It's actually a flat screen TV! Yeeeesssssssss! Because I am a single woman, no dependents, I do have time to watch TV! Lots and lots of free ME-time! Take that, married parent suckas! (Oh, do I ever crack myself up. Because I actually am being quite sarcastic. I just have more TV time than you might have. heh. I just roll like that.)
If you want more info, about the contest, here you are: http://www.5minutesformom.com/2032/insignia-37inch-flat-panel-lcd-hdtv-contest/trackback/
You can find info about the above TV here: http://www.bestbuy.com/site/olspage.jsp?skuId=8274672&type=product&id=1171058029049
Anyway, here's to a happy life, lived for Jesus. Kids, husband...or no.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
