MIA

Hello, Blog and all...

It's been a long time, and I wonder how folks who are bloggers extraordinaire do it. I guess I could almost thoughtlessly throw up a post every day, you know, about something random. Which perhaps is a good idea, because then you can springboard off it for a meatier, more thoughtful post, which could be added later.

Or I could write Dick-and-Jane style sentences, to make it easy.

(Not to diss anyone, but one blogger I stop to look at all the time really honestly writes that way, and he's got a huge readership. I don't get it, and I must really let it go if it bugs me so much. I guess it's a weird curiosity about his life and why people read it if to me it's spirituality and vanity all rolled up. Seriously. Stuff goes like:
I like pie (or Macs, or XBand, or my kid).
Pie (or Macs, or XBand, or my kid) is good.
I am blessed because I have pie (or Macs, or XBand's cd, or my kid).
And then add some hip video.)

ANYWAY.

To get back on track here. I've been missing in action....

Work has been nuts--very busy, and I've been feeling even more pressure to perform lately, like I'm under a microscope, and that I need to defend my existence. I stay until very late, I have no life. And I know I use it as a means to hide from other difficulties in my life. I find myself overwhelmed with extended family concerns. I avoid their phone calls. (I've always been a sort of Go-To Girl for when something's wrong. The Single Sister who's got her head on right.) And situations, while not the best, loom even larger in my head because I've got no sounding board. I do cry out (literally) to the Lord, and I do know, in my head, that He's got it in control--that nothing escapes Him, and that yes, He is my Husband as is mentioned in Isaiah.

But in my heart, I am troubled and afraid and lonely and just so scared! How I wish there was someone who can reassure me and help me see things from different perspectives, and just bear the load with me.

I did share some troubling news via email with one family member yesterday, and then talked by phone with them today. And that little bit helped me somewhat, it did. They were able to talk about it with their spouse, and then talk with me, fortified with perspective from their partner. While I don't necessarily agree with the plan of action (or inaction), I heard another point of view, and felt a bit of the burden eased.

But then it's me alone, rambling about in my house, praying/worrying. It's just hard, this alone thing. It's one of the most difficult things in being single--not having someone to hear your concerns, to help bear the load, to ease your troubled mind with another viewpoint. To keep keep problems from growing, GROWING, looming so dark and difficult in your head. To help keep those "What ifs" at bay.

I know that even the best of marriages suffer from inattentiveness and communication difficulties. I know this. And how awful it must be to be married to someone who hasn't got time for you or care about your concerns.

But I tell you, being alone with troubles, not having someone who knows the peculiarities of your life and family and can at least shoot an arrow at the situation with you or for you... this is very... I don't know... sad, I guess. Humans survive on community for a reason, I suppose. I suppose I should seek someone out, to share and pray with. But it's a scary proposition. I get messy (ie, teary & snotty :-) ) early on. And I hate to come across as needy. But I have to tell you, I am so in need.

Well, maybe a "Dick-and-Jane" story tomorrow, folks! Blessings to you.