Anchored in Hope? Time for a check-up.

Recently, I conversed casually with a few friends. They were talking about the different phases they were in their lives, and that they were actually excited about what was before them. (Excited? What the heck?!) One, nearing the big 5-0 was ecstatic that she finally had the house to herself and her husband, now that their adult children had moved on. The other, a mom of small kids, is excited about a new job and ministry. And I can't find much to be excited about in my life. The big "L" on my forehead--noticeable much?

They talked about how the years ahead are going to be Wonderful! Exciting! My mind races... My frame of reference is my singleness. Right now, that honestly equals loneliness. No intimate companionship. That is what is front and center in my viewpoint. And though that fact may change, when you're in the thick of it--heck, it's the way it's always been!, it's so hard to see how it ever WILL change. I think how I don't have children to care for now, or who will care for me when I'm really old. So when I blurted out something, and I can't remember my exact words (sign of age? heh), my younger of the 2 friends tried to encourage me by saying that these years ahead for me would be like golden years!

Scoffing, I said, "Golden! I haven't even had a springtime!"

We were laughing although she felt bad and I understood what she basically meant.

I feel jipped though, about life in general. Regret. But what would I really have done different? Maybe not too much. Which makes me think, my life was really supposed to suck then?

My sweet friend sent me an email to follow up:

I was praying for you today. Not trying to be weird or condescending, but I believe that as you pray, you need to start letting "hope be the anchor to your soul" again. Anyhoo... I think as you begin to pray, "that girl", that God is saying to begin praying prayers like: "thank you Lord that you are about to do something in my life that I have always longed for", or "thank you Lord that I am going to have the best year ever and that as I delight in you, you WILL give me the desires of my heart". Does that sound cheesy? I believe it to be true for you. I want you to be encouraged. Remember that "faith is being sure of what we HOPE for and certain of what we do not see". There's more for you, I felt it today as I was praying for you and lifting you up. There are entire chapters, the best chapters of your book...yet to be written and you must begin to believe that God will do it. Begin speaking it out. You're an overcomer. I speak that to myself. I feel like a Jacob this year, wrestling with God in my stubbornness. I know he's going to change my name too!
Just wanted to drop you a line to encourage you today. You are on God's heart.

I am on God's heart. Sigh. Even when I think I'm a loser...!

So the past few days I’ve been looping David Crowder’s Obsession:

What can I do with my obsession? With the things I cannot see? There’s a madness in my being….
Sometimes You’re further than the moon, sometimes You’re closer than my skin... You know I’m stubborn, Lord, but I’m longing to be close; You burn me deeper than I know. And I feel lonely without hope, I feel desperate without vision; You wrap around me like a winter coat, You come and free me like a bird… And my heart burns for You. My love for You. My heart for You. My life for You, all I have for You.

I’m so there. My faith and hope mountains are such little blips on the monitor, while the “lonely without hope/desperate without vision” valleys are the long, drawn out, almost endless lines. But my heart does burn for Him! However, most everything seems so unsatisfactory, and I want to be freed like that bird. A higher perspective! I pray for a name change along with you! Lord, I believe… I beg you to help my unbelief!

The hard part for me is tying belief/confession to things that maybe God doesn’t have for me…and it’s so hard – why be perpetually and deeply in disappointment? At times, I feel overwhelmed in grief. I don’t know, maybe I need for hope for more generic things. Vicious cycle! :-/

But I know, I do know!, that He is good, gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy, and I throw my soul upon that. I must assign this knowledge to my heart, and to my ole mouth!

It's time for a heart check-up. If I believe Him to be good, then He must be good to me.