The Irony was Not Lost on Me

Today came the unexpected joyful news that my sister had her baby--quite a bit early, but healthy and happy. Boy, aren't there some wonderful emotions when a new baby enters into the world, into your life! And when the picture of baby's sweet face, precious lips, kissy cheeks popped up on my computer screen, my heart melts and aches.

I've had to come to terms with the fact that they planned to name the little one the very name I've loved and dreamed about naming my own desired little one, since my early high school days. And this fact wasn't a secret. Anyone who's close to me knows I wanted a little one named this. But she never talked with me about it--not that I wanted her "permission" to use the name, surely I know I don't own it and I am perfectly aware of my ever-single, not close to dating or mating-status, but it was never said... "we really love this name... how are you feeling about that?"

But she got there first. A little more of the dream dying. Or, as Elisabeth Elliot might say, another chance to offer my dreams--be they broken, dusty, or even forgotten--as a sacrifice of worship to God.

The irony? I got my monthly reminder today. (Probably falls into the T.M.I. category!) A definitive reminder that there is no baby here! (Not that I would have expected there to be one, but hopefully you get my point.)

However, I guess it could serve as a last gasp of hope too--that the possibility, as totally remote as that is, yet remains. But time is just about up.

Hmm. Reminded of the scripture, My times are in His hands. My humanity wants to pout and say, "That's nice, but it still sucks to not have my heart's desire!!" I always wonder if it's because God knew I would totally screw up a kid's life, or something equally as dramatic, that He has kept marriage and family out of the picture for me. I don't know! It seems like I would have been a really good mom.